Feeding Time At The Zoo

Has this country gone completely commercial? I'm talking about the day after Thanksgiving demolition derby! It's not bad enough that the stores open at 5am, no doubt hoping you'll be half asleep. (How else will they sell you that Slim Whitman singing cowboy lantern with matching bed sheets.) BUT they add ALL the worst drivers to a mix of slick pre-winter weather. There's a recipe for parking lot suicide.

IF you manage to find a safe spot to park your vehicle the real fun will begin. As the doors open, maniacs run to grab the REAL bargains. Don't fall! It will be the end of your day. Just ask the folks that found themselves kissing the floors at Wal-Mart. (There's something you won't be putting on your resume.)

Was there a point I was going to make? Oh yeah - over the last several years as some of the rudist shoppers of the season, are using my insane friends as carpets, I've come up with a better plan. I only go to stores that are open 24/7, have the best selection, no pushy customers, I'm allowed to shop in my jammies AND my packages are delivered right to my door! Yep, I shop for all my gifts on the Internet.

Unwanted Visitor

Every year at this time an unwanted visitor arrives at my house. I'm talking about the Thanksgiving turkey. Now I'm not against having the bird as part of the holiday meal, I just want to know why he must spend three days taking up room in my refrigerator.

If you want it to thaw, leave it out on the porch. If some wild animal stops by to sniff it, so what. The slow thaw theory (try to say that 5 times fast) just makes for an in-the-way bird. Doesn't my wife understand that valuable beer and snack space is being consumed during this yearly ritual?

Here's the kicker - we go out for Thanksgiving dinner every year! I guess the memory of stuffing ourselves until we want to puke is so strong that we need to repeat the process all weekend. Hence the bird will be cooked Wednesday night, then the carved results will sit taking up room in refrigerator before being thrown out 20 days later. How else can we find room in the refrigerator for our Christmas guest, Mr. Ham.

Homework Helper

I was informed that I was the official homework helper for our 15 year old son. Since Mom is not that comfortable with Algebra, I'm all that's left. So a pad of paper & pencil in hand off I went to show how good I am. I soon realized how much you can forget as the years peel away.

My son is currently working on formulas. They need to be reversed to get different information. I scribble as I work my magic on scratch paper. This is foreign to him. The video game generation prefers writing what little they actually do jot down in a one by one inch square ON THE WORKSHEET to be turned in. Why use extra paper says he. Then I'd have to write it over again on the worksheet. I'm sure dad's stupid rating just jumped 10 points. Undaunted by his lack of interest in proprer math etiquette, I pushed forward and produced the answer to the first question.

"But Dad, how did you get the answer?" asks he. "Where's the formula you used?" he continued.
"Formula? I did that part in my head." I replied. He was surprised because I hadn't once touched the calculator. You HAVE to use the calculator. He didn't understand how to switch the formula around so that it would give him the missing information. This went on for an hour. I'd ask didn't the teacher show you how to reverse these formulas and he'd reply nope.

One last time in total frustration, I asked my question - didn't she show you or give you any information regarding this assignment. He flips the paper over and says "Oh, you mean like these?" In front of me is a list of the formulas and their reverse counterpart!

I don't keep guns in the house... last night, that probably saved his life.

How Long?

I haven't posted in 4 days? Are you sure? What is wrong with my memory lately?
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I thought - today I'm going to grab one of those tasty breakfast burrito thingys out of the freezer and have something different. So, I got myself together, packed my lunch, put the burrito in the microwave (only takes a minute), made sure all "homework" was back in my briefcase then grabbed my jacket, keys and said goodbye to the birds. All this and 5 minutes early!

Hope my burrito enjoys the day sitting in the microwave.

WHY?

...do you always get itches on an area of your body that either you can't reach with your hand or can't touch in public?

...does everything in life, EXCEPT you, tend to speed up as you get older?

...do traffic lights always turn yellow just as your vehicle enters the "Do I Stop Or Do I Go" zone?

...after working hard to finish a project and kicking back for a breather, does your boss choose that exact moment to peek in your cube and catch you "lounging"?

...is your workload light until a half hour before it's time to leave on a Friday?

...can't adults open child proof caps?

....do I have 7 remotes yet none of them turn on the TV?

And they wonder why...

Am I they only one who is baffled by the US school system. Your child is told to use a calculator during math homwork and tests! WHAT!!! This is why American children are getting dumber and dumber in the world math arena. Ask them to do a math problem longform on paper and they look at you like you asked them to give up their PS2 for an hour.

Have you been to the stores lately? Notice after you give the cashier your money, she looks at the register which tells her how much change you should get back. I mean come on America, WAKE UP. The next generation won't be able to function if the power goes out or they run out of batteries.

Want to have some fun? Go to a drive thru, order, than drive up to the window and pay for your bounty. Make sure you hand the dude at the window that penny, so you don't get a bunch of pennies back. I swear I did just that last weekend and the cashier finally called the manager over to ask what to do with the extra penny.

I guess it's good we are going toward a debit card society. I hope my fast food friend figures out which side of the card to swipe by the time I visit next time.

Clipping

Why do people clip their toenails over a waste basket? How many nails ever truly land in the basket? I'm guessing fewer than 5. The other fly off in various directions to be found at a later date.

I find them in the rug, usually when I'm in my barefeet... VERY painful. Have you ever been lazy enough to put off cutting the toenail only to find it two weeks later in your sock. When I was younger and could raise my leg higher than I can now, I used to attempt to bite off my toenails. It never worked as good as biting fingernails did. It looked funnier too.

Well, I've just finished clipping my nails - I'm almost positive one flew off into the jello on the counter. Time will tell.

Moron Clause

I know you've seen one. It's just about on every item you pick up at the store. Cute little quotes to help people of lesser sense keep themselves safe and the company out of court. It struck me as I was warming my cup of soup in the microwave, what moron wouldn't know that "this soup and container will be hot after microwaving." Or how about "do not attempt to iron clothes while wearing them". Or one of my favorites "do not plug in toaster while taking a bath". WHO DOES THAT? Someone, with the IQ of a playboy pinup, at one time or another must have thought it would be a great idea to have a Pop Tart while bathing. Have some fun tonight... check items in your home. I'll bet you'll find some pretty funny yet disturbing messages. Be safe, read your labels and "don't have a lit cigarette while pumping gas". MORON!

New Month Same Bad Drivers #2

Here we go again. I'm in heavy traffic but at least it's moving. Oh Oh I'm in trouble. I left more than a car length between me and the car in front. Sure enough some jerk pulls out from a side street right in front of me. Now that he is there, he refuses to pick up speed. (Don't you just hate that?) If I was miffed before, I'm about to really get mad. This guy, who placed many lives in jeopardy by pulling this stunt, now turns right at THE VERY NEXT STREET! WTF!? What was so damn important on that street that he needed to pop into traffic and be a nuisance? Oh excuse me, the auto world obviously revolves around HIM! @!$*!

The Day After

Phew... managed to survive another Halloween. I just hate a bunch of strange kids ringing my bell and interrupting my "relaxing" time. This year I put my 15 year old outside to scare the little monsters. Obviously he can be had. He'd only jump out at them AFTER they had been to the door. What good is that?! He must have been paid in candy, after the fact.

I think Halloween is slowly going the way of the Delorean. Each year I buy about the same amount of candy. Each year I have more candy than the previous year, left over.

Not to worry... that's why we all take the candy to work the next day. We need to share the guilt of eating goodies with others.

Next year I have a fool proof plan to finally get the "rest" I desire on Halloween. If they manage to get by my barbed wire, I'll have some delicious moldy candy for them.