Stocking Stuffers

Why is it so hard to find stocking stuffers? In most circles I'm considered a good shopper. Yet every year during the holiday season I panic when the wife says, "If you see some stocking stuffers, pick them up."

Right... I'll just drive over to the stocking stuffer outlet and browse the thousands of items they have for sale. Oh don't get me wrong, I give it my best shot. Some stores even label items with a giant sign MAKES A GREAT STOCKING STUFFER. Of course when I look what's under the sign it's usually a pair of socks or gloves or chocolate.

I'm looking for the good stuff. You know the stuff that my parents used to put in my stocking. Little toys, candies & gadgets. Now-a-days even if you find items you like, it will cost you $100 just to fill a stocking!

Two things need to happen before next year. I need an honest to goodness list of great stocking stuffers (not a sales pitch by some toy manufacturer). Then, I need a ONE STOP place to purchase the items I choose from that list.

If someone can't get that going before next Christmas, the stockings may become soot under Santa's boots!

May I help you?

My answer to the above question is, NO!

I've had it with two particular stores that hire piranha and set them loose as salesmen. One store sells appliances & electronics, while the other sells furniture. I, the customer, walk through the door and find myself surrounded by piranha. I've tried to alter my route in the furniture store as a way to avoid "May I help you?" Unfortunately, they always win. They know all the shortcuts. If you do manage to get out a polite but meaningful "just looking", they back off 10 paces but zero in on your vapor trail and are never out of earshot.

Now, after years of abuse, I've come up with a plan that should throw them enough of a curve to give me time to shop in solitude. Next time I am FORCED to enter that store, I plan on bringing a roll of numbered tickets. (just like they have at the deli section of most busy markets.)

As each salesperson approaches me, I will hand them a ticket and say - "Yes you can help me by waiting to hear your number called. At that time I will need assistance"

I know, I know it's all a big waste of time and energy. Eveyone knows piranha have no hands to hold onto a ticket.

It puts a spell on me

Normally I stay clear of stationery stores unless it's absolutely necessary for me to go into one. Then, I usually bring backup. Well, since it's Christmas and my wife wants a small bulletin board for her home office, I decided to enter a big chain stationery store. I'm thinking what harm could it do. I'm only looking for one thing. Surely I can zip in and out without too much damage to my wallet.

I bravely entered as an employee tried to disrupt my single train of thought with a "Hello". It won't work. I've tuned out all attempts at steering me down unnecessary aisles. I'm on a mission. There they are... bulletin boards of different shapes, sizes and materials. What is small anyway? Is there such a thing as too small? I opt for a medium size board. (After all, it's small compared to a big one.) Hey, she'll need those push-pins to tack stuff up. I zip over to aisle 3 to grab a package of those. Then, before I knew it, I was knee deep in neat light-up pens, colored index cards and rubber bands. I'm thinking that cool looking Christmas stationery would look good with my yearly family newsletter printed on it. Oh yeah, my printer needs ink.

Bulletin board $19.99. My total bill $98.99 How does that happen? Those kind of stores must put a spell on me.

Great - I forgot to get the push-pins. Here I go again...

Mom - Turning In Grave

The latest craze has got to have my mother spinning at 45 rpm. In the continuing trial of America's sanity... Why are women wearing pj's out in public? Young girls are wearing them to school. Latest fashion trend or are we just traveling down the road to ultimate laziness?

"Mom, I stayed up too late last night IMing my friends and downloading iTunes." "I don't have time to get dressed and catch the bus." Mom says "oh - just go as you are."

RIGHT! Like that would ever happen. Parents, do us all a favor, forbid your daughters from hiking off to school in Sponge Bob Square pajamas or worse yet... baby doll nighties. Although that might severely cut into the number of boys skipping school, strike a blow for sanity!

Now that I think of it, there was one craze many years ago that would have really made me looney. If one of my friends had bought into the Moo-Moo fashion parade. You do know how that A-frame of a dress got it's name, don't you? All the women who wore them were as big as cows!

Christmas Tree

Well, I see I'm not posting every day. This time of year takes up so much of my time. BUT, tonight I blog!

It was Christmas tree day yesterday. A time when the family climbs into the car and takes off towards one of a thousand Christmas Tree lots to find THE tree.

I dread this day because #1 son and Mom can never quite agree on which tree is THE tree. We arrived at our destination and I was determined to make it a "quickie" if only to preserve what feeling I had left in my cold toes. We dive into the tall green populace and I spot a possible right off the bat. Let's turn it around...NOPE it has a big open spot in the back. We drag down three more rows before I spot it. We do the spin trick... it passed with flying colors. How could we be so lucky this year? All agreed that this was the tree and it only took about 10 minutes. To top it off, the cost was a full $20 less than last year's tree.

Up to the front to have THE tree prepped for a trip home. Lower branches trimmed...check. Fresh cut on the trunk... check. Wrap it in plastic netting... check. We were handed the price sticker to take inside and pay for it, while the nice helper person stood it up in the corner for us. We took the opportunity while inside to pick out a minature tree for my wife's desk at work.

I'm just delighted that all this took a mere half hour of my time. Out we parade ready to grab our tree, stuff it in the trunk and head for home. Oh no! Someone else had picked up our PERFECT tree and took it home thinking it was the one they had picked out.

So - back to the jungle, with much less enthusiasm to try to find another perfect tree. There really is no other perfect tree. We had already found it! So we came home with a less than perfect tree and decorated it with deflated joy.

Next year - ARTIFICIAL! I mean it!

Feeding Time At The Zoo

Has this country gone completely commercial? I'm talking about the day after Thanksgiving demolition derby! It's not bad enough that the stores open at 5am, no doubt hoping you'll be half asleep. (How else will they sell you that Slim Whitman singing cowboy lantern with matching bed sheets.) BUT they add ALL the worst drivers to a mix of slick pre-winter weather. There's a recipe for parking lot suicide.

IF you manage to find a safe spot to park your vehicle the real fun will begin. As the doors open, maniacs run to grab the REAL bargains. Don't fall! It will be the end of your day. Just ask the folks that found themselves kissing the floors at Wal-Mart. (There's something you won't be putting on your resume.)

Was there a point I was going to make? Oh yeah - over the last several years as some of the rudist shoppers of the season, are using my insane friends as carpets, I've come up with a better plan. I only go to stores that are open 24/7, have the best selection, no pushy customers, I'm allowed to shop in my jammies AND my packages are delivered right to my door! Yep, I shop for all my gifts on the Internet.

Unwanted Visitor

Every year at this time an unwanted visitor arrives at my house. I'm talking about the Thanksgiving turkey. Now I'm not against having the bird as part of the holiday meal, I just want to know why he must spend three days taking up room in my refrigerator.

If you want it to thaw, leave it out on the porch. If some wild animal stops by to sniff it, so what. The slow thaw theory (try to say that 5 times fast) just makes for an in-the-way bird. Doesn't my wife understand that valuable beer and snack space is being consumed during this yearly ritual?

Here's the kicker - we go out for Thanksgiving dinner every year! I guess the memory of stuffing ourselves until we want to puke is so strong that we need to repeat the process all weekend. Hence the bird will be cooked Wednesday night, then the carved results will sit taking up room in refrigerator before being thrown out 20 days later. How else can we find room in the refrigerator for our Christmas guest, Mr. Ham.

Homework Helper

I was informed that I was the official homework helper for our 15 year old son. Since Mom is not that comfortable with Algebra, I'm all that's left. So a pad of paper & pencil in hand off I went to show how good I am. I soon realized how much you can forget as the years peel away.

My son is currently working on formulas. They need to be reversed to get different information. I scribble as I work my magic on scratch paper. This is foreign to him. The video game generation prefers writing what little they actually do jot down in a one by one inch square ON THE WORKSHEET to be turned in. Why use extra paper says he. Then I'd have to write it over again on the worksheet. I'm sure dad's stupid rating just jumped 10 points. Undaunted by his lack of interest in proprer math etiquette, I pushed forward and produced the answer to the first question.

"But Dad, how did you get the answer?" asks he. "Where's the formula you used?" he continued.
"Formula? I did that part in my head." I replied. He was surprised because I hadn't once touched the calculator. You HAVE to use the calculator. He didn't understand how to switch the formula around so that it would give him the missing information. This went on for an hour. I'd ask didn't the teacher show you how to reverse these formulas and he'd reply nope.

One last time in total frustration, I asked my question - didn't she show you or give you any information regarding this assignment. He flips the paper over and says "Oh, you mean like these?" In front of me is a list of the formulas and their reverse counterpart!

I don't keep guns in the house... last night, that probably saved his life.

How Long?

I haven't posted in 4 days? Are you sure? What is wrong with my memory lately?
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I thought - today I'm going to grab one of those tasty breakfast burrito thingys out of the freezer and have something different. So, I got myself together, packed my lunch, put the burrito in the microwave (only takes a minute), made sure all "homework" was back in my briefcase then grabbed my jacket, keys and said goodbye to the birds. All this and 5 minutes early!

Hope my burrito enjoys the day sitting in the microwave.

WHY?

...do you always get itches on an area of your body that either you can't reach with your hand or can't touch in public?

...does everything in life, EXCEPT you, tend to speed up as you get older?

...do traffic lights always turn yellow just as your vehicle enters the "Do I Stop Or Do I Go" zone?

...after working hard to finish a project and kicking back for a breather, does your boss choose that exact moment to peek in your cube and catch you "lounging"?

...is your workload light until a half hour before it's time to leave on a Friday?

...can't adults open child proof caps?

....do I have 7 remotes yet none of them turn on the TV?

And they wonder why...

Am I they only one who is baffled by the US school system. Your child is told to use a calculator during math homwork and tests! WHAT!!! This is why American children are getting dumber and dumber in the world math arena. Ask them to do a math problem longform on paper and they look at you like you asked them to give up their PS2 for an hour.

Have you been to the stores lately? Notice after you give the cashier your money, she looks at the register which tells her how much change you should get back. I mean come on America, WAKE UP. The next generation won't be able to function if the power goes out or they run out of batteries.

Want to have some fun? Go to a drive thru, order, than drive up to the window and pay for your bounty. Make sure you hand the dude at the window that penny, so you don't get a bunch of pennies back. I swear I did just that last weekend and the cashier finally called the manager over to ask what to do with the extra penny.

I guess it's good we are going toward a debit card society. I hope my fast food friend figures out which side of the card to swipe by the time I visit next time.

Clipping

Why do people clip their toenails over a waste basket? How many nails ever truly land in the basket? I'm guessing fewer than 5. The other fly off in various directions to be found at a later date.

I find them in the rug, usually when I'm in my barefeet... VERY painful. Have you ever been lazy enough to put off cutting the toenail only to find it two weeks later in your sock. When I was younger and could raise my leg higher than I can now, I used to attempt to bite off my toenails. It never worked as good as biting fingernails did. It looked funnier too.

Well, I've just finished clipping my nails - I'm almost positive one flew off into the jello on the counter. Time will tell.

Moron Clause

I know you've seen one. It's just about on every item you pick up at the store. Cute little quotes to help people of lesser sense keep themselves safe and the company out of court. It struck me as I was warming my cup of soup in the microwave, what moron wouldn't know that "this soup and container will be hot after microwaving." Or how about "do not attempt to iron clothes while wearing them". Or one of my favorites "do not plug in toaster while taking a bath". WHO DOES THAT? Someone, with the IQ of a playboy pinup, at one time or another must have thought it would be a great idea to have a Pop Tart while bathing. Have some fun tonight... check items in your home. I'll bet you'll find some pretty funny yet disturbing messages. Be safe, read your labels and "don't have a lit cigarette while pumping gas". MORON!

New Month Same Bad Drivers #2

Here we go again. I'm in heavy traffic but at least it's moving. Oh Oh I'm in trouble. I left more than a car length between me and the car in front. Sure enough some jerk pulls out from a side street right in front of me. Now that he is there, he refuses to pick up speed. (Don't you just hate that?) If I was miffed before, I'm about to really get mad. This guy, who placed many lives in jeopardy by pulling this stunt, now turns right at THE VERY NEXT STREET! WTF!? What was so damn important on that street that he needed to pop into traffic and be a nuisance? Oh excuse me, the auto world obviously revolves around HIM! @!$*!

The Day After

Phew... managed to survive another Halloween. I just hate a bunch of strange kids ringing my bell and interrupting my "relaxing" time. This year I put my 15 year old outside to scare the little monsters. Obviously he can be had. He'd only jump out at them AFTER they had been to the door. What good is that?! He must have been paid in candy, after the fact.

I think Halloween is slowly going the way of the Delorean. Each year I buy about the same amount of candy. Each year I have more candy than the previous year, left over.

Not to worry... that's why we all take the candy to work the next day. We need to share the guilt of eating goodies with others.

Next year I have a fool proof plan to finally get the "rest" I desire on Halloween. If they manage to get by my barbed wire, I'll have some delicious moldy candy for them.

No Rant Just Respects To Poco

I lost a dear old friend today. Poco, my buddy for 19 years passed away. Now before you say he was just a stupid Cockatiel get over it, let me tell you how hard that is to do. It doesn't matter what kind of pet you have, after 19 years, it IS part of the family. Poco had a personality, loved to sit & watch TV with me and he knew his name. Whenever I'd call his name he'd come running (ok waddle) over the carpet, climb up my leg and settle into his favorite perch - my shoulder. I'm gonna miss that the most.

So allow me to silently reflect on days spent with my buddy and mourn his loss.

Rest in Peace, Poco, and know that these tears mean I miss you already.

Vitamins

Do vitamins really do anything? I realize it's a multi-billion dollar industry but is there any PROOF that these pills do anything but shrink your wallet. Skeptic? Me? Nope. My Grandmother swore by the things. She had a routine, that as a kid, I'd love to watch. She would pull down the shoe box filled with bottles and pull her "stash" for the day; B complex, Cod Liver, Zinc, etc. She lived to be 100 years old! That should say something. My question is, does anyone have a way to prove that any combination of pills really work. Do we have the placebo effect? I take a multivitamin because it will make me have more energy and "feel" more healthy. Do I truly get more energy or do I just trick myself into it because I take the vitamin.

Judging from my wife's comments about laying around all weekend watching sports on TV, maybe I set the "energy" bar a bit high. OR maybe I just don't feel like doing anything on the weekend. Yeah, that must be it. I need to store my energy for the work week. Imagine how much energy I must store up on a three day weekend.

The Dark Side

What's with the current teen trend for the colors black and pink? My 15-year old son comes home and announces he'd like to paint his room! I was totally amazed that he would even be open to painting his swamp.

When I asked what color he wanted, the other shoe slapped me in the face. BLACK!!! Hold on, Bubba! No black - you already sit in the dark. His second choice? PINK!!! OMG what grows in the dark he calls a room? We settled on light gray and VERY dark gray.

When I was a larvae, painting my room NEVER once crossed my mind. Of course, my Dad walled my room with knotty pine planks. Do you think he knew something?

Outlet this!

This weekend I was talked into going to the Outlet Mall for pre-Christmas shopping. Now I'm a typical male..pre Christmas to me is the night before.

Against my better judgement AND to keep peace in the house, I agreed to the trek. I call it a trek because it takes a little more than 2 hours to get there. That means no sleeping in. We simply MUST arrive when the stores open. (10am) There I was knee deep in humanity because Saturday is chartered bus day! The first hour was mildly pleasant but by 11am stores were getting "close". But like a good soldier, I carried on without complaint. By 4pm her feet hurt and my sanity was just about gone. So we called it quits. We had a nice relaxing diner then hit the road for the long drive home.

She says to me...well I wasn't all that impressed. I chimed in "yeah - who needs 7 stores full of housewares?" Our total money spent wasn't much more than $150. Heck, I spent almost as much in gas to get there! My question - why do people insist on traveling clear across state to save 10 cents on the dollar?

However - this question comes from a guy whose mother used to shop at two different grocery stores because ...well... one had Ketchup 10 cents cheaper.
AAAH... I miss my mother's logic... it was to laugh about.

Hold On Just A MINT

Who proclaimed mint as the flavor of choice for us. Mint Oreos? ONE is enough of that little experiMINT. Now, I can usually avoid the mint revolution but lately it's cropping up everywhere.

The final straw came last week when my dentist suggested this new toothpaste to keep my gums "happy". MINT flavored paste. Couldn't the marketers come up with new flavors for toothpaste. Tequila would be cool. (I'd brush 10 times a day!) Strawberry-Banana shouldn't be limited to yogurt.

Anyway - I said I would try the MINT toothpaste as a favor to my dentist. He smiled as he handed me my "free" sample of floss....MINT flavored, of course!

Iraqi Democracy

Well, as I see it, it didn't take the Iraqi people long to embrace true Democracy. They went to the polls to vote. As further proof... they already have voting irregularities to be looked into! Aaah - Democracy at its' best.

Proof U.S. IS GOING WACKO #1

Did you hear about the big fight between two Wal-Mart employees? It got so heated that one girl ended up with a stab wound to her stomach. You may wonder what could they have been fighting about to cause this kind of response. Apparently the fight was over soup. You read right, SOUP! They couldn't agree as to which one of them would have access to the microwave first! When was the last time you stabbed someone to use the microwave?! Proof positive that the United States is headed WACKO!

Dead End

Have you ever tried to download ringtones for your cell on a weekend? DON'T BOTHER! My son wanted a couple of music related rings for his new cell phone. So, being the responsible parent, I joined him in a Sunday afternoon romp through a plethora of good but mostly bad Casio renditions of current hits. We finally decided on two tones. Now I've done this before on my phone so don't think I'm a novice at this task. I follow along on the web page, dutifully put in his phone number (area code first) and order the two selected ringtones. He then sat patiently by his phone waiting for the message that his "new" tones were waiting for him. No such message arrived..for either one. Now I find my self calling the Customer Care line to get down to the bottom of our problem. (as we are instructed to do.) "You have reached our customer care line but we aren't open right now." "Please push 1 for automated help. Your call means a lot to us." OK - I drilled down through a dozen numbers, each one taking me further away from reality. Finally, download ringtone help push 7... "You have reached our customer care line but we aren't open right now." "Please push 1 for automated help. Your call means a lot to us."- DEAD END!

Oh, Just For Little 'Ol Me?

So a local chain "box" store has decided to separate the cosmetics/personal health care sections by a store length from groceries. When the manager was told by a customer, "ME", that the walk was a bit "out of the way" when attempting to complete my weekly shopping chores; I was told that research showed that this layout was more convenient for the shopper. They did it all for the shopper.

Don't do me any favors! Do you think that ALL of your visitors are uneducated. Just tell me the truth. That your top three sales sections are Food, Cosmetics and Electronics. By spacing them far away from each other, the shopper spends more time in your store. AND the research you quoted told you that the longer a person stays in your box, the more money will be dropped in! Now that's the truth.

So - to defy this store, you can find me there this Saturday. I plan on pushing my cart around the store for a full 8 hours... then politely putting the cart back where I got it from, buying absolutely nothing. I wonder how THAT will affect their research?

Bad Drivers Go Home!

I've decided that every state must have an option for bad drivers that are stopped. They can pay the fine OR they can move to my state. I'm guessing most choose option two!

This mornings annoyment involved darkness, morning drive traffic and a driver who insisted that the passing lane was OK for her rate of speed. (50mph) The problem was someone in the slow lane had already chosen that speed as his. So, 7 minutes of my 12 minute drive should have included music and baton twirlers because we were ALL in a freakin' parade. Between slow and slower no one could go above 50 in a 70 zone!

I was sooo stressed out by the time I arrived at work, I can't remember if I waved to the guard at the gate or flipped him off. I guess I'll find out tomorrow morning.

Get over it!

Here's one that gets the ole Rooster crowing. A school is putting its old sports jerseys up for sale on Ebay. Why? Because the name of their team was the Indians. Wouldn't you know it offended someone. So now they are going by the name "Bengals". Hold On! Aren't Bengals an endangered species. You'd best be changing your name again. Bengals offends me. You are promoting the killing of Bengal tigers!! You'd better pick something safe in this country. Wouldn't want to offend anyone. How about the Goldenrods - NOPE, hayfever victims would be waving their little white hankies in your face. How about the Meatheads - NOPE, Archie Bunker fans would come out of the woodwork.

I've got it! Let's just play it safe from now on and name our teams after former Presidents! The Clintons, The Bushes, The Kennedys, The Nixons, etc. How much safer can you be. After all this is still America...isn't it. This just in, America evidently offends terrorists... well here we go again!

15 is half way to 30!

So - there he sat all fifteenish across from the ever aging Mom & Dad. It used to be pizza at Chuck E. Cheese for his birthday. Now he demands a T-bone at Logan's Roadhouse. I suppose we should feel lucky he didn't go for the Porterhouse. That would have cost even more!

Why do we put such effort into birthdays anyway? They aren't THAT special. Everyone has one. Funny, in your first 21 years, it's some giant event that everyone needs to be a part of. Then you turn 30 and birthdays fall out of favor. (Especially if you are of the female persuasion.) The suddenly you hit 70 and everyone starts making a big deal over your birthday again. Like "Hey, you old coot, you made it another year!" Or "85! Wow! are you gonna try for 100?" Oh, yeah... like I have some say as to whether that happens! Young smart ass punks! Who do these 50-year olds think they are, anyway!

Testing 1-2-3

So, here I am entering the blog world and wondering what fowl, misguided stuff will suddenly pop up on this page.

In honor of my first night, I'll just chill and wait for the first item to present itself tomorrow. It will be my son's 15th birthday. Surely he'll do something to set me off.

Stay tuned!