Has this country gone completely commercial? I'm talking about the day after Thanksgiving demolition derby! It's not bad enough that the stores open at 5am, no doubt hoping you'll be half asleep. (How else will they sell you that Slim Whitman singing cowboy lantern with matching bed sheets.) BUT they add ALL the worst drivers to a mix of slick pre-winter weather. There's a recipe for parking lot suicide.
IF you manage to find a safe spot to park your vehicle the real fun will begin. As the doors open, maniacs run to grab the REAL bargains. Don't fall! It will be the end of your day. Just ask the folks that found themselves kissing the floors at Wal-Mart. (There's something you won't be putting on your resume.)
Was there a point I was going to make? Oh yeah - over the last several years as some of the rudist shoppers of the season, are using my insane friends as carpets, I've come up with a better plan. I only go to stores that are open 24/7, have the best selection, no pushy customers, I'm allowed to shop in my jammies AND my packages are delivered right to my door! Yep, I shop for all my gifts on the Internet.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Unwanted Visitor
Every year at this time an unwanted visitor arrives at my house. I'm talking about the Thanksgiving turkey. Now I'm not against having the bird as part of the holiday meal, I just want to know why he must spend three days taking up room in my refrigerator.
If you want it to thaw, leave it out on the porch. If some wild animal stops by to sniff it, so what. The slow thaw theory (try to say that 5 times fast) just makes for an in-the-way bird. Doesn't my wife understand that valuable beer and snack space is being consumed during this yearly ritual?
Here's the kicker - we go out for Thanksgiving dinner every year! I guess the memory of stuffing ourselves until we want to puke is so strong that we need to repeat the process all weekend. Hence the bird will be cooked Wednesday night, then the carved results will sit taking up room in refrigerator before being thrown out 20 days later. How else can we find room in the refrigerator for our Christmas guest, Mr. Ham.
If you want it to thaw, leave it out on the porch. If some wild animal stops by to sniff it, so what. The slow thaw theory (try to say that 5 times fast) just makes for an in-the-way bird. Doesn't my wife understand that valuable beer and snack space is being consumed during this yearly ritual?
Here's the kicker - we go out for Thanksgiving dinner every year! I guess the memory of stuffing ourselves until we want to puke is so strong that we need to repeat the process all weekend. Hence the bird will be cooked Wednesday night, then the carved results will sit taking up room in refrigerator before being thrown out 20 days later. How else can we find room in the refrigerator for our Christmas guest, Mr. Ham.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Homework Helper
I was informed that I was the official homework helper for our 15 year old son. Since Mom is not that comfortable with Algebra, I'm all that's left. So a pad of paper & pencil in hand off I went to show how good I am. I soon realized how much you can forget as the years peel away.
My son is currently working on formulas. They need to be reversed to get different information. I scribble as I work my magic on scratch paper. This is foreign to him. The video game generation prefers writing what little they actually do jot down in a one by one inch square ON THE WORKSHEET to be turned in. Why use extra paper says he. Then I'd have to write it over again on the worksheet. I'm sure dad's stupid rating just jumped 10 points. Undaunted by his lack of interest in proprer math etiquette, I pushed forward and produced the answer to the first question.
"But Dad, how did you get the answer?" asks he. "Where's the formula you used?" he continued.
"Formula? I did that part in my head." I replied. He was surprised because I hadn't once touched the calculator. You HAVE to use the calculator. He didn't understand how to switch the formula around so that it would give him the missing information. This went on for an hour. I'd ask didn't the teacher show you how to reverse these formulas and he'd reply nope.
One last time in total frustration, I asked my question - didn't she show you or give you any information regarding this assignment. He flips the paper over and says "Oh, you mean like these?" In front of me is a list of the formulas and their reverse counterpart!
I don't keep guns in the house... last night, that probably saved his life.
My son is currently working on formulas. They need to be reversed to get different information. I scribble as I work my magic on scratch paper. This is foreign to him. The video game generation prefers writing what little they actually do jot down in a one by one inch square ON THE WORKSHEET to be turned in. Why use extra paper says he. Then I'd have to write it over again on the worksheet. I'm sure dad's stupid rating just jumped 10 points. Undaunted by his lack of interest in proprer math etiquette, I pushed forward and produced the answer to the first question.
"But Dad, how did you get the answer?" asks he. "Where's the formula you used?" he continued.
"Formula? I did that part in my head." I replied. He was surprised because I hadn't once touched the calculator. You HAVE to use the calculator. He didn't understand how to switch the formula around so that it would give him the missing information. This went on for an hour. I'd ask didn't the teacher show you how to reverse these formulas and he'd reply nope.
One last time in total frustration, I asked my question - didn't she show you or give you any information regarding this assignment. He flips the paper over and says "Oh, you mean like these?" In front of me is a list of the formulas and their reverse counterpart!
I don't keep guns in the house... last night, that probably saved his life.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
How Long?
I haven't posted in 4 days? Are you sure? What is wrong with my memory lately?
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I thought - today I'm going to grab one of those tasty breakfast burrito thingys out of the freezer and have something different. So, I got myself together, packed my lunch, put the burrito in the microwave (only takes a minute), made sure all "homework" was back in my briefcase then grabbed my jacket, keys and said goodbye to the birds. All this and 5 minutes early!
Hope my burrito enjoys the day sitting in the microwave.
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I thought - today I'm going to grab one of those tasty breakfast burrito thingys out of the freezer and have something different. So, I got myself together, packed my lunch, put the burrito in the microwave (only takes a minute), made sure all "homework" was back in my briefcase then grabbed my jacket, keys and said goodbye to the birds. All this and 5 minutes early!
Hope my burrito enjoys the day sitting in the microwave.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
WHY?
...do you always get itches on an area of your body that either you can't reach with your hand or can't touch in public?
...does everything in life, EXCEPT you, tend to speed up as you get older?
...do traffic lights always turn yellow just as your vehicle enters the "Do I Stop Or Do I Go" zone?
...after working hard to finish a project and kicking back for a breather, does your boss choose that exact moment to peek in your cube and catch you "lounging"?
...is your workload light until a half hour before it's time to leave on a Friday?
...can't adults open child proof caps?
....do I have 7 remotes yet none of them turn on the TV?
...does everything in life, EXCEPT you, tend to speed up as you get older?
...do traffic lights always turn yellow just as your vehicle enters the "Do I Stop Or Do I Go" zone?
...after working hard to finish a project and kicking back for a breather, does your boss choose that exact moment to peek in your cube and catch you "lounging"?
...is your workload light until a half hour before it's time to leave on a Friday?
...can't adults open child proof caps?
....do I have 7 remotes yet none of them turn on the TV?
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