Ranting Rooster

Duck Sauce - Big Bad Wolf [OFFICIAL]

2012-01-07T13:48:00.000-05:00

Are You Kidding Me? I'm RANTless on this one!

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Everybody has one...

2011-10-10T20:23:00.000-04:00

...opinion, that is. Some folks have more than one and they alternate them depending on their mood. This rant all got started when I bent over to pick up a case of bottled water. (Keep this at the top of mind, I bent over but did NOT get so far as to actually touch the case of water!) On my way down I heard a small pop which was immediately followed by a very large OWWWW! I suddenly found myself bent over with no way to right myself without annoying the gods of PAIN! Although there were unopened alcoholic beverages nearby, I was unable to move towards them at a rate of speed that would have helped ease the burning in my back satisfactorily. I slipped into my "big boy" attitude and sprung to an upright position. I looked kind of like one of those old blow-up clown punching bags returning to vertical. I will not repeat what foul verbiage followed my crafty move. I still can't believe I know those words!

Once folks found out I had back pain, the opinion train left the station. You need to go to a chiropractor. Yeah and go and go and go. I'm sorry, I can't see myself continually going back for monthly "tuneups". Who's next? Acupuncture is greater than sliced bread. I almost considered it until I was given the address and it was an apartment nearby. I can't fathom laying facedown on a folding table with a bedsheet draped over it; while some guy with a name I can't begin to pronounce sticks sharp needles in my back. I'm sure he'd have the movie Karate Kid playing on his big screen. The last opinion I listened to, came from a "saner than most" co-worker. You should try PT! Huh? Physical Therapy...

Well, PT it is. I'll be "shuffling" to my car and heading toward a PT (Physical Therapist). I'm sure another rant is in the making.

OWWWW!

Hold That Tiger!

2009-12-08T12:24:00.003-05:00

So what if Tiger Woods backed into a fire hydrant! So what if his wife landed a 9-iron to his jaw! So what if he has slept with enough women to grow his own baseball team!

When did people's "personal" lives, trials, failures, and stupidities make such big news? Like none of this stuff ever went on any time in history. Why don't the legitimate news organizations get back to news reporting and leave the gossip to the store checkout rags. Oh, that's right... we don't care about boring news, we want the juicey stuff with pictures if you can. Get that telephoto lens cleaned and point it in a window a thousand yards away. Fuzzy naked people that you can't make out is better than nothing at all!!! Gossip sells - straight news doesn't.

Good Grief, If you just can't give up garbage news, at least go back to the days of hot headlines like: ALIENS ABDUCTED MY COW - THEN RETURNED HER THREE WEEKS LATER WITH NEON GREEN UDDERS.

Give me more of those and Hold The Tiger!

Soap Opera?

2009-07-09T14:02:00.003-04:00

Why do they call daytime TV shows Soap Operas? What a weird name. I realize that when they first started out, soap companies sponsored these shows, but opera? I don't believe they could EVER be considered an opera. Let's see we could call them Soap dramas, but at times. that would stretching the truth. Daytime gossip? There's plenty of that in each show. Serial Gossip? Wait! Just change it to Cereal Gossip and tap a whole new income stream!

To this day, if you ask me, I'll tell you I NEVER watched one minute of that trash. Well, there was that Dark Shadows thing back when I was young. Thankfully, it only ran 30 minutes, 5 days a week for 5 years. HEY!!! I only watched it for the soap commercials! Get off my case!

Trail Turned Cold

2009-07-07T13:22:00.002-04:00

If I were a wannabe political type person and my "Hey-look-at-me" index was heading south, what would I do???
Oh yeah, I'd quit my current office 18 months ahead of schedule. That would get all the pundits talking and in turn would get the general public abuzz with my name*.
Funny how the media falls for this move EVERY time. And the public? Like a moth to the flame.

* Please note that the name appears nowhere in this blog.

What Blog?

2009-07-07T13:09:00.002-04:00

Good Grief! I forgot I had this blog. I'm on verbose overload...My Space, Facebook, Twitter, blah blah blah all about me...

I must remember to post a new rant soon. Maybe I'll rant about not remembering my own blog!

L8R

March 19-30 Exchange Student

2008-04-03T16:28:00.005-04:00

I survived my first ever exchange student living in my home. He was only 13 but my 17-year old son took to him immediately. He was like the brother my son never had. It was quite interesting to learn about another culture and to try to communicate with our live-in. The first few days were rough, but, by the end of his stay, he was actually using full sentences in English. This guy was a quick study. I would recommend this experience to anyone who may be on the fence about it. It will be very rewarding for you and your family.

So, as not to cause an international incident should he ever return to the USA and someone realizes what "choice" english words my son taught him, I'll Just refuse to say what particular country he hailed from.

Guess all you want, my lips are sealed!

Leap Day

2008-03-17T21:31:00.003-04:00

Well - I survived Leap Day. I always have a problem with an extra day during the year. It kind of throws off my circadian rhythm. I think too much about it. Like, will July 4th (which would have been July 3rd) have better weather than July 5th which has become July 4th for this year only? That would really mess up my fireworks plans.

I don't get an extra days pay, so, my employer is actually getting a "free" day. That doesn't seem fair! The least he could do would be to give me a comp day.

And don't get me started on birthdays... I'm still miffed that a friend of mine, who was born the same year as I but on February 29th, is so much younger than me.

It took years of research to figure out why Hallmark didn't push to make this an "official" American holiday. They wouldn't make much money selling these cards every 4 years. Duh!

Snow Blowing Overachiever

2008-01-22T20:42:00.000-05:00

Today our area had a snow day. Students and teachers alike had the day off. When I arrived home from work this afternoon, my driveway had been cleared. In fact, my neighbor's driveway was cleared and so was the neighbor's across the street. These three drives are usually snowbound until I get around to cranking up my snowblower. Further research uncovered the culprit. My neighbor across the street, a teacher, had the day off. I thought - boy he was so bored he cleared three driveways besides his own. I changed my thinking NO ONE is that bored. Perhaps he's being nice for another reason - he wants the neighborhood to buy Girl Scout cookies from his daughters. Nope, that wouldn't fly because they had grown up, gotten married and moved away. My brain hurt from all the possibilities.

My son finally gave me the answer in one word: MOM! Yup, Mom has moved in with my neighbor and his wife. Suddenly spending all that time snow blowing everyone's driveway made sense to me. What a great Escape!

New Car Buying - 2007

2007-09-01T17:35:00.000-04:00

After 12 years, I've decided that it's time to purchase a new vehicle. This could be the latest in a series of stressful decisions that I've made. I think buying a car twelve years ago was MUCH simpler.

First we have the Make / Model decision. Yikes... where did all these choices come from? Next, what color would you like? How about that electric metallic green. SORRY - the model you chose doesn't come in that color. OK, how about blue? Nope - not in that model. ALRIGHT...just tell me what colors it DOES come in. (I'm sure this ruined the salesperson's fun.) Answer - Black, Dark Gray, Silver, and White.

What kind of choice is that!!! Once I chose the color I had to go through the same routine with options! I just want GPS, a rear spoiler and a sun roof. Apparently, they are all in different packages and you can't get there from here!

Well I made a command decision - the car I have will make it another year. That will give me enough time to take a class on "car buying without the frustration". I'm sure there must be a class offered somewhere. I can't be the only one that became unnerved by the experience.

Summer winding down

2007-08-28T12:41:00.000-04:00

Well, summer is winding down and with it my self-imposed hiatus. I'll be posting regularly again in September. I've had a very busy summer both at work and home. I'm hoping to get some well needed down time to catch up on the many rants that have plaqued me since June.

My first will be Car Buying 2007 style...what a gigantic pain!

See you in September

Birthday 2007

2007-06-20T12:36:00.000-04:00

Well - I almost escaped this year's birthday celebration at work yesterday. Unfortunately, it wasn't to be. Someone undetected and flying well below my personal radar, set up and carried off a surprise birthday lunch. I'm still amazed at how all involved were able to keep it from me for a whole week. I'll have to step up my "guard" next year.

It was a fun day and was followed by an equally fun evening with my family.

And now my rant: Who started the tradition that whomever has a birthday must bring in treats for all on that day?! What!!!??? It's MY birthday! Why am I giving YOU a treat. I like the old way, "give me the loot or you get the boot!"

Yeah, I know... as a kid my Mom would have a birthday party for me and invite all my friends. They'd get little goody bags stuffed with penny candy and maybe a .50 plastic decoder ring. But hey - I'd be getting a $15-$20 toy from each kid. Seemed like a good trade off at the time.

So NEXT year my co-workers(Repeat after me): "Happy Birthday, here's a $20 gift card!" "Might I please have a Fireball to suck on?"

Aah, music to my ears.

Father's Day 2007

2007-06-18T12:16:00.000-04:00

Phew! I survived another Father's Day without receiving the dreaded "tie" gift. Of course, I didn't receive the million dollar check I had hoped for either.

I wonder why I look at every "special" day as a day to avoid something. Let's take a quick tour:
Easter - avoid candy because if I start eating it...
April 15th - avoid the IRS at all co$t$
Father's Day - avoid the tie and socks gifting
4th of July - avoid a neighbor who's sole purpose is to set off VERY loud explosions after 1am.
Halloween - (see Easter)
Thanksgiving - avoid the green tinged casserole - we don't know what it is but it can't be good.
Christmas - avoid opening any round tin - fruitcake is dangerous to one's health whether you eat it or drop it on your toes.
New Years - avoid parties arranged by friends at the office. If you do go, avoid consumption of large quantities of alcohol. When you drink anyway because its free booze, avoid making a pass at anyone that "looks" pretty. And when you wake up the next morning with a hangover and an extra body in the bed, avoid eye contact. "Pretty" may have turned ugly overnight.

Uh-Oh - here comes my birthday...

Worm Cheese

2007-06-13T08:43:00.000-04:00

Just me thinking out loud...

If the early bird gets the worm, does that mean the second mouse gets the cheese?

I need coffee!

Can't sleep - clowns will eat me!

Keypad vs. 10-key

2007-06-12T08:42:00.000-04:00

Here's one that has me scratching my head: Why doesn't the keypad on a phone and the 10-key pad on a standard computer keyboard match? One starts with a 1 on the top, the other, with a 7 in the first position.

Seems to me one of the two people involved in the design of these two creature comforts may have been dyslexic. How else do you explain this oddity? I'm thinking the 10-key is the odd man out. I don't know about you, but, most people I know count 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. I don't know anyone who goes 7, 8, 9, 4, etc.

.siht rof gnidne ynnuf a evah neve t'nod I

Cooking The Books

2007-06-12T07:50:00.000-04:00

I was sitting in my 32nd meeting of the week when the Project Manager was trying to make a point about how much non-productive meetings cost. He brings up 4 of us as he proceeds to make his point. At $60 an hour for each of these people, you can see how expensive these meetings can be.

WHAT! I make $60 an hour?! Let me do the math... number of dollars x number of work hours in a year = Yearly insult. OK. Now I'll just plug in the numbers... 60 x 2080 = $124,800.

Aaah...helloooooooo... somebody has been skimming my paycheck. I don't come anywhere close to that. If I did, I wouldn't be reusing my coffee filters at home. (grounds included.)

Nope, I'd say the biggest waste at our meetings is the money the project manager's parents paid for his education. The boy can't count!

Dressing Ghetto

2007-06-11T09:04:00.000-04:00

My son never ceases to amaze me. The ideas that float around in his head baffle me. Several weeks ago, he and I were going somewhere together and just before we left the house, he asked me if I were going out like "that". (This is usually a line reserved for your significant other.) Anyway - I asked him what was wrong with jeans and a sweat shirt. Not answering my question, he asked if it wouldn't be better to wear a button down shirt w/ t-shirt underneath. HUH? We are going the freakin' Home Depot! Get a life! I did make a move in his direction by changing to a pull-over polo shirt.

Forward to last week... We were going to a fast food joint for a quick bite. Again, the same question directed itself toward me. This time I was dressed in running shorts and a T-shirt. Apparently it didn't meet with Mr. Fashion's approval. When I asked him what was wrong with my outfit he told me my shorts were ghetto! Shorts, ghetto? Good Grief! I asked him if my jeans shorts would be less ghetto enough to go get fast food. An affirmative answer came back at me.

I guess next time I go clothes shopping, I'd better take him along. I wouldn't want my wardrobe to offend him! I believe we've entered the "My parents embarrass me" phase of teendom.

Boy+16=Cars

2007-06-11T08:45:00.000-04:00

I believe that formula has been around for many years. So, why does my son have to be different? He's 16, got his learners permit BUT has no interest in getting behind the wheel. I'm thinking, no HOPING, that he is just lazy and figures the driver's license will just automatically show up in the mail. How else do I explain his lack of interest in one of the most important rites of passage into manhood?!

I'm also guessing that since the Mom/Dad Taxi service is still answering his every transportation whim, that he has no outside motivation to get his license. (Gas prices being what they are, perhaps he's smarter than I give him credit for.)

Time for me to pull out the BIG guns. It will go something like this: "Gee, son, too bad you don't have your license yet. When that hot girl you've been looking for shows up in your life, you'll have no way to take her anywhere. Of course, you can always count on Mom or Dad to do the driving..."

Yup, I've pulled out another tried and true formula: Boy + Girl = need for privacy.

Addiction

2007-05-26T17:58:00.000-04:00

I must confess to all who'll listen - I am an addict! Yup... I should do the right thing this very moment and check myself into rehab before I get deep enough to never get out. It started innocently enough. I was offered some by a "friend" at work. It was good and before I knew what hit me I had gone back for more, twice!

I've spent a lot of money on this nasty habit and the stuff is hard to come by.

I'm asking for help. Does anyone know where the nearest rehab would be? I've just got to try and kick this habit.

Here's a warning to those that may come after me... stay away from those Hershey Cherry Cordial Creme Kisses! They are EXTREMELY addictive!

Pump This

2007-05-18T20:57:00.000-04:00

Enough already. Everyone is complaining about and is amazed at the high cost of fuel. It's called supply and demand folks. If you want prices to go down, use LESS! If you bought a big pick 'em up truck last year and refuse to go any less than 90 on the freeway, you have NO room to complain.

Now I realize that for some of us, it's difficult to slow down to conserve gasoline. I try on my way to work. The response is unanimous... honked horns, tailgating, flashing lights (I'm in the slow lane jerk!), and, of course, dirty looks as they speed by "turtle" car. Heaven forbid I should go 65 in a 70mph zone. Even when I do go 70 there are tons of drivers that pull out and go around me. 85-90 seems to be the norm. Excuse me... you are in a hurry to go where??? Work!? It must be a pretty exciting job that you just can't wait to get there. By the way...nice Hummer. Does it come with it's own gas station?

Now I know what your thinking - wouldn't it be nice if a State Police Officer would see the 90 mph driver and pull him over. It will never happen! They will continue you to zero in on the "5-10 mph over the limit" drivers like you. WHY? Because chasing a vehicle going 90+ mph just isn't good for gas conservation efforts. Get Real!

Easter Sunday 2007

2007-04-08T12:13:00.000-04:00

Easter Sunday - the day you see all kinds of people at church that you never see except holidays. You gotta wonder why they bother at all.

Anyway, I'm cool with the April showers bring... da da da, BUT, what is with all this snow? Do you know how hard it is to find Easter Eggs in the backyard when there is snow on the ground? I had to go above and beyond this year. I took a dozen eggs over to the waste management facility and dunked them 3 minutes each. It doesn't make them any easier to find in the snow, until nightfall! Then those puppies glow like the moon.

My only concern now is when the wife makes me an egg salad sandwich for work. There is not enough money...

Happy Easter

Good Grief

2007-04-08T12:09:00.000-04:00

I've gotten a few "nasty" grams wondering why I wasn't posting more, as I said I would. Well, to all 3 of you that sent those messages... LIFE happens. So, here is a post to tide you over.

Ranting Roo wants to know: Can a person cry underwater?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Texting?

2007-02-25T16:16:00.000-05:00

As I look back over the years of innovation, we have truly seen some remarkable steps forward. Television, fax machines, overnight deliveries, computers, the internet, CDs, DVDs, digital music, and, of course, the personal communication device known as the cell phone.

There is one developement that defies logic... text messaging! Why are so many people so excited about this form of communication? Tapping out your message with two fingers on a mini keypad is counter progress. Would you be so excited if you were told that we were doing away with all keyboards and computers and going back to typewriters and the US mail? I'm guessing you'd complain about going backwards... kinda like anti-innovation.

Kinda like - text messaging!

Water Displacement #40

2007-02-15T21:40:00.000-05:00

We've all heard of WD-40. I'm sure every household has a least one can sitting on a shelf somewhere. I was amazed that folks use it for something more than lubricant. Don't act like you've tried some of these. I know you didn't know any more than me. Ready?

It gives floors that just waxed sheen without making it slippery
Restores and cleans blackboards
Removes tomato stains from clothing
Keeps the bathroom mirror from fogging
Removes all traces of duct tape
Spray it on your arms, hands and knees to relieve arthritis pain (OK that's weird)
Keeps pigeons off the balcony - they hate the smell (So do I)

There are plenty more. The one that weirds me out?
It keeps flies off cows!

Flies off cows? Who on earth discovered that one? I'm thinking that guy is hanging out in the barn just a little too much.

Who counts?

2007-01-23T22:13:00.000-05:00

Here's a silly thought that popped into my head. Does anyone actually count? I mean like when you buy a roll of paper towels and it says 90, two-ply sheets. Has anyone ever counted the sheets? How about over-the-counter pills? The bottle says 100 pills but has anyone actually opened the bottle and counted them?

Companies could be ripping off Joe Consumer! Just think, if the company that supplied America with the 100 pill bottle, actually put only 99 pills in... One-hundred bottles later, they'd have an extra 100 pills. That would be enough to fill one more bottle! (with 1 pill to spare.)

Makes you wonder, doesn't it.

39 days...

2007-01-16T20:34:00.000-05:00

Thirty-nine consecutive days of above average tempertures came to a crashing halt yesterday. The green grass turned white with ice and snow. Winter has finally arrived. My drive to work was filled with unplowed roads and very slow cars.

Well, except for one idiot who just had to be going faster than the rest of us sane people. All we saw was a blur of slammed on brake lights and fishtailing. And then he was gone...

I'll never understand why people like that exist but I'm sure they are the same ones that continually push the "close door" button on the elevator!

Bowls For Everyone

2006-12-30T15:18:00.000-05:00

I love College Football as well as the next person but I think the bowl thing is out of control. It used to be right around New Year's we'd have the best teams play in the Cotton Bowl, Rose Bowl, Sugar Bowl and the Orange Bowl. Now we have added so many bowl games that they start on December 19th and finish up on January 8th. Yes, there are now 32 bowl games played. To help pay for the giant affairs, we've commercialized the names. The Outback Bowl, Capital One Bowl, GMAC Bowl, and my new favorite the MPC Computers Bowl. Who?

Here's the frosting on the cake - Minnesota with a 6-7 record (only 3-5 within the Big Ten) gets to go to a Bowl Game. A losing record gets to go to a bowl game! How did that happen? Did someone say, I know these guys must be better than that. Besides they look good in uniform.

The sad part, the Gophers of Minnesota almost won the game. Please no more additions to the already over exposed bowl scene or we'll have a bowl for everyone in America.

A Week Before Christmas

2006-12-17T23:50:00.000-05:00

A week before Christmas
and all through my day
the thought of missed gifts
keep coming my way.

I shop til I drop
just as I'm told
not finding "THE" gift
can really get old.

I've been to the store
searched places online
my list is still long
I may run out of time.

In seven more days
my chore will be done
enough with the shopping
it's time for some fun!

Sneaky Snow

2006-12-04T21:40:00.000-05:00

Winter Storm Warning, two feet of snow coming, blowing and drifting likely, stock up on essentials and get ready for the return of the Ice Age. You see it on TV and read about it on the weather web sites if you live in "Snow Country". It usually amounts to 1-3 inches and many meteorologists claiming the storm JUST missed us.

If you live near a big lake, the next scenario will be all too familiar to you. TV land is silent, the weather site has a partly cloudy picture posted and one radio weatherman goes out on a limb to predict a 30% chance of flurries. Well, you do see a flurry, followed by another, then another until you suddenly realize your visibility is less than 100 yards. It is coming down in sheets, heavy at times. 12 hours later you are looking at a foot of "flurries". They call it lake effect snow... I call it sneaky snow. It is striking again as I type... I'm none to happy about it either. It means I'll be up early tomorrow - shoveling a whole lot of sneaky snow just to get my car out of the driveway. Suddenly the Winter Storm Warning is sounding pretty good to me!

On The Border

2006-11-28T22:00:00.000-05:00

My experience dealing with crossing the border has been less than amusing. Although I've only had my vehicle searched once in all the years I've been using Canada as a short cut to New York.

The rub comes when it's "question time". They must lie awake at night just thinking of these gems. If they are designed to prove that even morons can be customs agents, they have succeeded. Some of my favorites: (while staring at my 7 year old in the back seat) ARE THERE ANY CHILDREN UNDER 18 IN THIS VEHICLE? Gosh, no, that's just a height impared 40 year old playing with plastic dinosaurs. How about WHO OWNS THIS VEHICLE? Aaaah, truth be known..the bank.. for a very long time. Let's not forget the ever popular DO YOU HAVE ANY FIREARMS OR EXPLOSIVES IN THE VEHICLE? What self respecting terrorist is going to answer that question truthfully? My all time favorite question - the one that my answer got me pulled over for inspection... WHICH BRIDGE WILL YOU BE CROSSING TO ENTER NEW YORK? My reply - I haven't studied my bridge names...I guess I'll just watch for a sign that says Bridge to USA and take my chances.

Did I mention these guys on the border have NO sense of humor?

Discontinued?

2006-11-13T18:42:00.000-05:00

I pretty much shop at the same grocery store each week. They have a clean store with a good variety of available items. However, lately I feel like my loyalty is being taken for granted. It seems that every time I find something I really like, it disappears from the shelves. Are they trying to tick me off? Wow, low-fat 2% milk that actually tastes good with cereal...GONE! Finally, tortilla chips that are so tasty I could eat the whole bag in one sitting...GONE! Let me not forget HOT sauce to go with the tortilla chips...GONE! (Sorry we only sell medium or mild now)
Is it me? Are they paying attention to everything I buy and then pulling the rug out from under me? Does this happen to anyone else? I hope it doesn't spread to other areas of my life.

Wow... I just love taking this route to work. It makes driving so easy...GONE!

Vote

2006-11-10T12:46:00.000-05:00

I waited till ALL the races were over to post this one. Why do we have to have political signs on every plot of land visible by passing vehicles? I know, it's for name recognition at the polling booth. Why so many? How do they manage to increase in number while we sleep? Do I really need to see the candidates name 4 or 5 times on the same street corner? Does more than one equate to more votes? Does a bigger sign make that person more important or is the candidate making up for other inadequacies? All these signs do is remind the voter which candidate has polluted the landscape. Let's not vote for them! I just hate having to edge my car out far enough to see oncoming traffic because some politician has blocked my view at the corner with his 4 x 8 foot name. You really want to impress a voter? Use Billboards. Anyone can print up a few color signs but a REAL candidate will show his or her commitment by purchasing space on the many available billboards in town. I did see one name I thought was unique. But, when I stood in the booth with all the names in front of me, I couldn't find it. I guess "For Sale By Owner" wanted to be a write-in. Proof that these little signs don't work. He had one placed in every other yard and still no one voted for him!

Buck The Trend

2006-11-04T09:11:00.000-05:00

Popping up like zits after a chocolate binge, dollar stores have arrived. I can't drive anywhere without seeing one. Dollar Store, Dollar General, Family Dollar, etc. They have 100 clothes pins for a buck, 3 pair of socks you can see your hand through for one buck and let's not forget the ever popular clothes hangers for a buck.

I, for one, have not and will not step foot inside one of these dollar stores. Not even if they have one on every corner. (They do, don't they?) Not even if all my friends shop there.

Until they sell GAS for a dollar per gallon, I'm going to buck the trend!

Year In The Making

2006-10-28T16:23:00.000-04:00

I've been toying with the idea of a new header image for this blog for over a year. I finally decided it was time to make the move.

I think it kind of goes with the new look of the page. I'm still not sure of white on black although I've had several comments at work telling me how good it looks. So, I guess I'll stick with this for a while. I've got two more headers waiting in the wings, IF I get tired of this one.

Some days I wish wives were like that. If you get tired of the head you were talking to, you have the option of switching heads. It would be a nice change of pace.

Same nagging - different face... I just scared myself.

All Day Training

2006-10-25T22:27:00.000-04:00

I just spent two whole days training on new software. And what did I learn? That I HATE two whole days of training. My brain was saturated after about 6 hours. With two more hours to go, where could I store the information? Something in there would have to go. What? The final score and teams involved in every Superbowl since it began? I don't think so! That's valuable info. How about the wife's birthday? Our Anniversary date? Nope. Perhaps I can tap into the short term memory. (Kind of like RAM instead of taking up space on the hard drive.)

Well - I decided that was a great idea and tried it. With my new knowledge all tucked into my short term memory bank, I packed up my stuff and strolled out to the parking lot. It took me two hours to find where I had parked my car.

I HATE two whole days of training.

New Design?

2006-10-25T22:21:00.000-04:00

I'm not quite sure that I'm done with this remake of my blog. I might just start all over with a new blog and title.

I hate making decisions... I guess I'll wait for feedback from my editor.

50th Post

2006-10-21T15:14:00.000-04:00

WOW - how lame is that? I have plenty of rants but never take the time to post them. I guess as my second year rolls along, I'd better promise myself to do a better job.

I've received several "suggestions" concerning my page. It seems that using the provided template is OK for beginners but now I should be personalizing it just a bit.

So, by November, I will have to address that issue. I wouldn't want all 5 of my fans to be pissed off. After all, that's MY attitudinal approach, isn't it.

Note to blog editor: I appreciate your candor when checking my blog for errors. You can be a royal pain, but, I wouldn't have it any other way. Get ready for an increased work load! (see first paragraph)

Global Warming Takes A Hit

2006-10-14T16:35:00.000-04:00

The theory of Global Warming was seriously wounded on October 11, 2006 when parts of the Midwest saw it's earliest snow in many years. Leaves are still green on the trees yet the ground is white. What's up with that?

When asked for a comment, former VP, Al Gore said "You know, I invented snow."

More later... (snow, that is.)

I Can't See Why

2006-10-04T18:19:00.000-04:00

I'm sure that you have probably run into this in your travels but never stopped to think about it.

I had to go to my favorite DRIVE-UP ATM the other day. Suddenly, it was staring me square in the face. Why hadn't I noticed this before? There under each button I was to push was the Braille equivalent. WHAT! Braille? At a DRIVE-UP ATM!

Now I'm sure there is a logical reason why this machine would have accomodations for the unsighted, but, you have to admit it's a BIG ? the first time you notice it. I started looking around for telltale signs of an unsighted driver. (broken shrubs, dented cars, prone pedestrians) Nothing! Let me look at the money machine one more time...

Yep! Those little bumps are on the ATM alright, I just can't see why.

Honking Dogs

2006-07-30T20:38:00.000-04:00

I saw it happen again the other night. A dog runs across a busy street and I hear the blaring of a car horn. Which raises the question, why? Did the driver think the horn was going to deter the dog from running across? I'm thinking it would just confuse the dog, kind of like "deer in headlight". Did you think the dog went to doggie "street crossing school" and knows that you are to cross only at the light with the WALK sign? Perhaps you thought the dog had read the state's driving rules and regulations handbook.

I can guess that the driver didn't. Otherwise he would know that speed limits on city streets are posted for a reason, brakes stop cars and horns do not. Next time apply your brake first! Save the horn for the idiot who sits at the light long after it has turned green... or was that you also?

Name Change

2006-07-29T22:15:00.000-04:00

Is it just me or have you noticed a name change game going on amongst banks? On any given day I can drive through my city and see a familiar bank name being replaced by another. It happens so often, I can't keep up with who was who just a few days ago.

I suppose it doesn't really matter. Most of them are the same. They all have a "special offer"of some kind to get you to put your hard earned money with them, then find creative ways to separate you from a good portion of it.

Will the name change game ever end!? I guess I'll just go to my banks' ATM, get some cash, and go shopping at Hudson's...oops I mean Marshall Fields...no wait now they will be called Macy's.

Oh No! This name change thing is catching on.

Passing Storm

2006-07-23T16:42:00.000-04:00

This past week we had, what I would classify as, a major storm roll through our area. Flooding rains, continual lightning, at least dime (more like quarter) sized hail, blow-a-tree-down winds and the ever popular power outage. My flag pole was sheered off at the base. Don't tell me the winds weren't bad!

The power company estimated 200,000 were without electricity in our area. Some didn't get it restored until 4 days later. The only positive for those people is their power bill will be lower next month. At least that's better than the treatment we all get from the major oil companies. How many times have you rushed to your corner gas station after hearing the news that the price per barrel of crude oil had just gone up, hoping to fill up before the rise at the pump; only to find that it had already jumped 12 to 20 cents.

Now let's turn it around... the price per barrel goes down! Don't bother rushing back to the gas station. The price won't start dropping at the pump for at least a week and only a penny every 3 or 4 days.

Just doesn't seem right!

Birthdays

2006-07-04T14:14:00.000-04:00

I find it funny that when you are young everyone in the family makes a big deal out of each birthday. Then when you are old enough to be on your own, Mom and/or Dad send a card plus a sibling IF he or she remembers. Once you're in the workplace, your "friends" take you to birthday dinners on the milestone years. The sole purpose is to embarass you in public with a waitstaff that sings a little birthday ditty offkey.

I just had another birthday in June. Nope it wasn't a milestone year. So, I didn't have to endure a trip to the eatery. However, I did get to bring treats for all my co-workers. Wait! It's MY birthday but I bring the treats for the "celebration". What cheapskate thought up that idea? Whoever did should be made to sit through 20 years of offkey birthday songs... perhaps that was how the "bring treats" idea began in the first place.

Father's Day

2006-06-18T14:03:00.000-04:00

My mother probably didn't particularly like this day. It would be the day she labored with my birth. Dad on the other hand, despite the stupid things I would do in the future, was probably quite proud of himself.

Father's Day is a day when your offspring try their best to salute you. They are too young to know why, but if Mom says so... so be it. Dads smile through goofy gifts like TIES, wallets, etc.

Me? My teenage son hasn't found the "guy" gene yet. So, to escape the goofy gifts associated with the day, we go on a "GUY" trip about a week before the big day. Best Buy and Home Depot are high on the list. As I walk through tools and gadgets I spew out grunts and groans when I see something that would be an appropiate gift in his price range. Thus assuring that come Father's Day - I won't be unwrapping another pair of white socks and matching tie.

Trust me when I say - the goofy gifts are only cute the first 7 years you get them. After that, men need to take action or be doomed for life.

Sound thoughts

2006-06-17T17:41:00.000-04:00

Tell me this hasn't happened to you. As you watch late night TV, you automatically turn the sound down because it's kind of loud and your family has already gone to bed. The next day you sit down to watch some TV and wonder why you can not hear anything. YIKES! Did the sound on my tube finally die? Nope! You realize that by just hiking the volume you can once again hear the program. Conversely, you set your clock radio to "go to sleep to music" with the volume set at a comfortable level to fall asleep. The next morning, when the clock radio goes on with music, the darn thing nearly blows you out of bed! I think we are built with a day / night hearing controller which adjusts to the time of day. The problem is, I can't find it.

All The Time

2006-05-27T16:44:00.000-04:00

Another of those paid-for-by-someone studies had its results released recently. The conclusion is that women think about sex MORE times than men per day. WHAT?! I'm all for equality of the sexes but men should be winning this poll HANDS down!

What has happened the the minds of men. Do we have something better to be thinking about? Cars? Food? How will we pay for the gas to fill the car to get to the food?

I say we men need to RISE UP and meet the challenge HEAD on! We need to re-train ourselves to think about nothing but sex 24/7. Are YOU going to let a woman take away the one thing you are known for? Talk about identity theft! Get thinking naughty thoughts immediately!

Of course, the study could have been flawed. Maybe they just didn't interview enough priests!

Sleep Apnea

2006-05-02T19:47:00.000-04:00

Well - it's been a while since my last post. (As I was reminded by a fellow blogger who still has 2005 on the bottom of her page!)

I've taken some time to track down reasons for my increasingly lethargic trek through life. After an overnight sleep study I was confirmed to have Sleep Apnea. It's a condition that causes you to just about stop breathing through the night. So, your brain (my other problem according to my wife.) wakes you up to start sucking in some fresh air. In my case, I was waking up 77 times an hour. When did I sleep???? No wonder I always felt tired and had no energy.

They put me on a little device called a CPAP. It forces air down your throat, keeping it open for regular breathing. It's kind of the Air Traffic Controller of the body. I haven't been on it too long, but, the difference it quite amazing. Heck, I might even mow my lawn this year... well let's not get carried away. Maybe I'll start with small steps, like taking out the trash.

I might even get posting more regularly... I won't hold my BREATH!

Cold / Flu Season

2006-03-06T22:19:00.000-05:00

Well it seems the Cold / Flu season is peaking right about now. This year's Cold is a real hang-arounder. It's been lasting 2-3 weeks with a real nasty cough.

Your choices for relief include your doctor and/or the drug store. Now your doctor has been trained to say: "Well you've got that nasty cold that's been going around. All you can do is wait it out. Don't forget your copay at the front desk."

Thanks Doc! I should have paid MYSELF his fee.

The Pharmacy isn't much better. My last count came up with roughly 50 over-the-counter "remedies" for the common cold or flu symptoms, none of which actually do anything but mask the symptoms and take all your money.

You know, every year my late father looks more and more intelligent. When he used to get a cold, he'd take a shot of blackberry brandy, sometimes two or three! Did it cure or slow down the cold? No. But after two or three shots of blackberry brandy... you pretty much didn't care.

28 Days is Enough

2006-02-28T18:59:00.000-05:00

Whoever decided that months should have non-matching days? 31 days, 30 days, 28 days and 29 days (every 4th year). Why should we have a poem just so kids (and adults) can remember how many days are in each month? I'm ready to bring sanity back to America.

Here's my plan - We will now have months all equal to 28 days... period! I know, you are thinking but that will leave us 29 days short of 365. I propose we call a year 364 days and just add a 13 month with 28 days. Yep - it would land between August and September. Who wouldn't like an extra month of summer? Next you probably are thinking but what would this extra month be called. Rest easy I've already come up with a name... Autumnary. Just think. Those calendars you buy at the end of each year would almost be worth the money you spend on them because you'd get an extra month at no extra charge.

Who's with me?!

Winter Olympics

2006-02-27T22:23:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or did the Winter Olympics hold no or little interest this year? I didn't have an uncontrolable desire to watch much. Apparently I was not alone. NBC was trounced in the ratings by American Idol, Survivor and Dancing with the Stars! Well what do you expect when they decide Curling is an olympic "sport". How does 4 men going 100mph down an icy trough compare to a bunch of guys sliding on one knee aiming an over-sized tea kettle at other over-sized tea kettles in a circle? Sorry the"sport" in that escapes me.

The Olympics needs an extreme makeover! Bring in Ty Pennington! Let's give the participants more of a challenge. The skaters will have to rough it with dull blades and no way to stop. Bobsleds? Those folks must face backwards. Downhill ski people should have to negotiate boulders place in their path.

Oh yeah and those Curling champs should have to play Bocce Ball... on ice!

Teens & Blogs

2006-02-25T08:42:00.000-05:00

Have you heard the one about the student who takes a couple of pictures of two other students have sex and decides it would be real "cool" to post them on his blog. Not thinking beyond the moment (as most teens are prone to do) he never imagined that this "prank" would lead to pictures being distributed throughout the school, the girl involved trying suicide as a way out of the mess he created or the criminal charges that he now faces. Two pictures = three lives ruined. No matter what math class you take, that is a bad formula. Let's not forget the hurt and embarassment that affects their families.

As parents keep trying to allow their offspring more freedom to show how responsible they can be, students are proving that freedom at that age is not always the best course of action.

I had a picture once of my drunk buddy having sex with a girl with curly hair. It turns out the "girl" was a sheep. (Hey! It was dark and I didn't have my glasses on.) Now, if I had my own blog back then, would I have posted this photo? The answer would be no. I didn't want the world to know how perverted my buddy could get when drunk. But, more importantly, the sheep has family too!

FLU revisted

2006-02-25T08:28:00.000-05:00

Well I had the "pesky" strain of this years FLU. That crap lasted the better part of two weeks. I managed to make it to work each day, although the length of the work day and the quality of the work would probably not pass any tests.

It also took away my desire to blog as I was more concerned with breathing and life sustaining things like that.

However, I am back to "healthy" on the life meter now. So, I'll try to get back into the habit of sharing the many thoughts that flow from my shull. ( or the skulls of my other personalities.)

Be healthy!

Phone Home

2006-02-06T23:25:00.000-05:00

Guys with clipboards make me want to run the other way. However, this guy had me trapped between my car and the garage. (Crafty, huh?) So, I would be forced to talk with him. He indentified himself as working for SBC. His first question, I suppose to double check that he indeed had the correct house, "Do you have service through us?" I couldn't resist... you're SBC, you send me a bill every month but you don't know if I have service with you?! (At this point the moron bell sounded in my head.) Before he could catch his breath, I answered no I don't. Now I could see his eyes start to glaze over. My next shot went something like: Well aren't you now AT&T? So technically I have my phone service through them not SBC.

He let that one slide and moved on to his next question. (probably wishing he had taken a job delivering papers instead of running into butt heads like me.) Do you have long distance with us? My response... I don't know anybody that far away. Besides, if I did, I'd just use one of the three cell phones in my house to call. It's included in the monthly fees.

Mr. SBC's final questions - do you have a computer...YEP Do you have internet with us...NOPE, I'm into speed! As he walked away (I thought I saw him shaking his head as he did) I yelled...Hey if you guys ever offer TV... I'll save you the trip. I have Satellite.

Just Super

2006-01-30T22:27:00.000-05:00

Super Glue, Future Glue or any one of a dozen names for the sticky stuff lives up to it's name. It sticks the cap of the glue to the tube. If you get a drop on your finger, it will adhere said finger to the very next thing you touch.

You should use the stuff once and throw the remaining tube away. It usually hardens and you can't get the liquid stuff past the blockage. My wife, always wanting to save money, came up with a brilliant plan. She would burrow through the hardened glue with a straight pin, thus being able to use the glue at least a couple of times. It only took a few seconds to realize the error of her ways. Yep - she now had her thumb and forefinger stuck together with a pin in between them. I let her suffer a bit before giving her options. I think we ran through just about all of them before her fingers went their separate ways.

Wow! That glue will stick just about anything together... except two items you really want to stick together!

Truth in Package Images Needed

2006-01-29T19:31:00.000-05:00

They suck me in each time. I'm looking for something different to have for lunch. I stroll down the frozen food aisle looking for just the right food to tempt my tastebuds. Let's see..pot pies, 3 cheese lasagna(where's the meat?), burritos and stuffed eggplant.

Suddenly it jumps out at me, PIZZA. Look at that mouth watering picture on the package. Lot's of pepperoni on top and the slice being lifted from the pie has cheese just stretching to hold on. Yummy.

I bring it to work the next day. I'm waiting for lunchtime like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. Finally, I tear open the box, fold it over as instructed and set to microwave for the proper time. Hmmm... doesn't much smell like pizza cooking. Out it comes and I hurry back to my desk to savor the meal I'm about to eat. 5 pepperoni all pushed to the middle of this mini piece of cardboard. Cheese...WHERE? Oh is that this white dusting which has all but evaporated in the microwave? The red coloring must be sauce or a weak stand-in for it.

Attention companies that play with my visual emotions: STOP IT! Take a picture of the end result of the slop in the box and put that on the outside of your packaging. At least then I'll know to avoid it like the plague!

Ravioli?

2006-01-17T17:05:00.000-05:00

During my weekly shopping I saw a ravioli container that you just put in the microwave. Since I'm always looking for something different for my lunches, I threw one in the cart.

Today I zapped the little sucker and took my first bite. PTUUPH! OMG! They are allowed to call this ravioil? This is the same stuff we feed our kids... and they LOVE it! I had no clue it was this yucky. I don't want to mention which brand it was, but boy- are -dees bad ravioil. The pasta has no taste, the "meat" filling is brown mush and the sauce is, is, aaaah red. That's about as kind as I can get with this slop.

Protect your kids from 370 calories of pure "blah". Don't serve them this junk.

Suddenly, peanut butter & jelly is sounding real good to me.

That Tears It

2006-01-15T20:11:00.000-05:00

I want to know who the person was that thought sealing food in plastic was a great, safe, fresh idea! I can't count the number of times I've run into the "you-can't-open-me" bag of chips or the "hope-you-don't-want-to-eat-this-today" box of cereal. If you pull too hard it usually rips the bag and spills the contents on the floor.

Is this some sinister plot to make us all go quietly insane? Do I need to carry scissors with me wherever I go, on the chance I might run into a sealed container?

They have pop tops on cans of pop and beer. They provide peel back lids on fruit cans and those silly microwave ready soups. Why can't they come up with an easier way to open chip bags and cereal boxes?

That's my rant for today. I have to go sweep the cereal off my kitchen floor.

Resolutions 2006

2006-01-05T21:29:00.000-05:00

I'm back and still wanting to rant. Amazing to me. I guess it's that time of year when everyone and his brother feels compelled to make a resolution. Kind of like a contract with yourself. Most people fall way short of their goals but I'll have to give them an "A" for effort. Why do we say that? There's not an "A" in effort. Oh, sorry, that will have to be in another blog down the road.

I'm trying to turn over a new leaf this year... less ranting - more kindness towards others. Time for my resolution(s).

I will try to be a kinder-gentler blogger.
I will try to loose weight. (not really, but just about everyone says it)
I will try to give up smoking. (I had to put an easy one in here - I don't smoke, never have.)
I will try to find the good in everyone. (Oh like I've got time to dig THAT deep!) Guess I blew that one already.
I will NOT write nasty things about my neighboor any longer. Mainly because he found this blog and I don't want to get caught.

Next year I'm gonna do Absolutions. You simply down as many shots of Absolute as you can on New Year's Eve. Make about a dozen resolutions and wake up the next afternoon with no recollection of what you promised or where you are!

Hey, you gotta give me an "A"....Absolutely

Stocking Stuffers

2005-12-22T21:21:00.000-05:00

Why is it so hard to find stocking stuffers? In most circles I'm considered a good shopper. Yet every year during the holiday season I panic when the wife says, "If you see some stocking stuffers, pick them up."

Right... I'll just drive over to the stocking stuffer outlet and browse the thousands of items they have for sale. Oh don't get me wrong, I give it my best shot. Some stores even label items with a giant sign MAKES A GREAT STOCKING STUFFER. Of course when I look what's under the sign it's usually a pair of socks or gloves or chocolate.

I'm looking for the good stuff. You know the stuff that my parents used to put in my stocking. Little toys, candies & gadgets. Now-a-days even if you find items you like, it will cost you $100 just to fill a stocking!

Two things need to happen before next year. I need an honest to goodness list of great stocking stuffers (not a sales pitch by some toy manufacturer). Then, I need a ONE STOP place to purchase the items I choose from that list.

If someone can't get that going before next Christmas, the stockings may become soot under Santa's boots!

May I help you?

2005-12-14T22:16:00.000-05:00

My answer to the above question is, NO!

I've had it with two particular stores that hire piranha and set them loose as salesmen. One store sells appliances & electronics, while the other sells furniture. I, the customer, walk through the door and find myself surrounded by piranha. I've tried to alter my route in the furniture store as a way to avoid "May I help you?" Unfortunately, they always win. They know all the shortcuts. If you do manage to get out a polite but meaningful "just looking", they back off 10 paces but zero in on your vapor trail and are never out of earshot.

Now, after years of abuse, I've come up with a plan that should throw them enough of a curve to give me time to shop in solitude. Next time I am FORCED to enter that store, I plan on bringing a roll of numbered tickets. (just like they have at the deli section of most busy markets.)

As each salesperson approaches me, I will hand them a ticket and say - "Yes you can help me by waiting to hear your number called. At that time I will need assistance"

I know, I know it's all a big waste of time and energy. Eveyone knows piranha have no hands to hold onto a ticket.

It puts a spell on me

2005-12-12T22:11:00.000-05:00

Normally I stay clear of stationery stores unless it's absolutely necessary for me to go into one. Then, I usually bring backup. Well, since it's Christmas and my wife wants a small bulletin board for her home office, I decided to enter a big chain stationery store. I'm thinking what harm could it do. I'm only looking for one thing. Surely I can zip in and out without too much damage to my wallet.

I bravely entered as an employee tried to disrupt my single train of thought with a "Hello". It won't work. I've tuned out all attempts at steering me down unnecessary aisles. I'm on a mission. There they are... bulletin boards of different shapes, sizes and materials. What is small anyway? Is there such a thing as too small? I opt for a medium size board. (After all, it's small compared to a big one.) Hey, she'll need those push-pins to tack stuff up. I zip over to aisle 3 to grab a package of those. Then, before I knew it, I was knee deep in neat light-up pens, colored index cards and rubber bands. I'm thinking that cool looking Christmas stationery would look good with my yearly family newsletter printed on it. Oh yeah, my printer needs ink.

Bulletin board $19.99. My total bill $98.99 How does that happen? Those kind of stores must put a spell on me.

Great - I forgot to get the push-pins. Here I go again...

Mom - Turning In Grave

2005-12-08T20:28:00.000-05:00

The latest craze has got to have my mother spinning at 45 rpm. In the continuing trial of America's sanity... Why are women wearing pj's out in public? Young girls are wearing them to school. Latest fashion trend or are we just traveling down the road to ultimate laziness?

"Mom, I stayed up too late last night IMing my friends and downloading iTunes." "I don't have time to get dressed and catch the bus." Mom says "oh - just go as you are."

RIGHT! Like that would ever happen. Parents, do us all a favor, forbid your daughters from hiking off to school in Sponge Bob Square pajamas or worse yet... baby doll nighties. Although that might severely cut into the number of boys skipping school, strike a blow for sanity!

Now that I think of it, there was one craze many years ago that would have really made me looney. If one of my friends had bought into the Moo-Moo fashion parade. You do know how that A-frame of a dress got it's name, don't you? All the women who wore them were as big as cows!

Christmas Tree

2005-12-04T20:51:00.000-05:00

Well, I see I'm not posting every day. This time of year takes up so much of my time. BUT, tonight I blog!

It was Christmas tree day yesterday. A time when the family climbs into the car and takes off towards one of a thousand Christmas Tree lots to find THE tree.

I dread this day because #1 son and Mom can never quite agree on which tree is THE tree. We arrived at our destination and I was determined to make it a "quickie" if only to preserve what feeling I had left in my cold toes. We dive into the tall green populace and I spot a possible right off the bat. Let's turn it around...NOPE it has a big open spot in the back. We drag down three more rows before I spot it. We do the spin trick... it passed with flying colors. How could we be so lucky this year? All agreed that this was the tree and it only took about 10 minutes. To top it off, the cost was a full $20 less than last year's tree.

Up to the front to have THE tree prepped for a trip home. Lower branches trimmed...check. Fresh cut on the trunk... check. Wrap it in plastic netting... check. We were handed the price sticker to take inside and pay for it, while the nice helper person stood it up in the corner for us. We took the opportunity while inside to pick out a minature tree for my wife's desk at work.

I'm just delighted that all this took a mere half hour of my time. Out we parade ready to grab our tree, stuff it in the trunk and head for home. Oh no! Someone else had picked up our PERFECT tree and took it home thinking it was the one they had picked out.

So - back to the jungle, with much less enthusiasm to try to find another perfect tree. There really is no other perfect tree. We had already found it! So we came home with a less than perfect tree and decorated it with deflated joy.

Next year - ARTIFICIAL! I mean it!

Feeding Time At The Zoo

2005-11-28T22:51:00.000-05:00

Has this country gone completely commercial? I'm talking about the day after Thanksgiving demolition derby! It's not bad enough that the stores open at 5am, no doubt hoping you'll be half asleep. (How else will they sell you that Slim Whitman singing cowboy lantern with matching bed sheets.) BUT they add ALL the worst drivers to a mix of slick pre-winter weather. There's a recipe for parking lot suicide.

IF you manage to find a safe spot to park your vehicle the real fun will begin. As the doors open, maniacs run to grab the REAL bargains. Don't fall! It will be the end of your day. Just ask the folks that found themselves kissing the floors at Wal-Mart. (There's something you won't be putting on your resume.)

Was there a point I was going to make? Oh yeah - over the last several years as some of the rudist shoppers of the season, are using my insane friends as carpets, I've come up with a better plan. I only go to stores that are open 24/7, have the best selection, no pushy customers, I'm allowed to shop in my jammies AND my packages are delivered right to my door! Yep, I shop for all my gifts on the Internet.

Unwanted Visitor

2005-11-21T22:12:00.000-05:00

Every year at this time an unwanted visitor arrives at my house. I'm talking about the Thanksgiving turkey. Now I'm not against having the bird as part of the holiday meal, I just want to know why he must spend three days taking up room in my refrigerator.

If you want it to thaw, leave it out on the porch. If some wild animal stops by to sniff it, so what. The slow thaw theory (try to say that 5 times fast) just makes for an in-the-way bird. Doesn't my wife understand that valuable beer and snack space is being consumed during this yearly ritual?

Here's the kicker - we go out for Thanksgiving dinner every year! I guess the memory of stuffing ourselves until we want to puke is so strong that we need to repeat the process all weekend. Hence the bird will be cooked Wednesday night, then the carved results will sit taking up room in refrigerator before being thrown out 20 days later. How else can we find room in the refrigerator for our Christmas guest, Mr. Ham.

Homework Helper

2005-11-17T16:48:00.000-05:00

I was informed that I was the official homework helper for our 15 year old son. Since Mom is not that comfortable with Algebra, I'm all that's left. So a pad of paper & pencil in hand off I went to show how good I am. I soon realized how much you can forget as the years peel away.

My son is currently working on formulas. They need to be reversed to get different information. I scribble as I work my magic on scratch paper. This is foreign to him. The video game generation prefers writing what little they actually do jot down in a one by one inch square ON THE WORKSHEET to be turned in. Why use extra paper says he. Then I'd have to write it over again on the worksheet. I'm sure dad's stupid rating just jumped 10 points. Undaunted by his lack of interest in proprer math etiquette, I pushed forward and produced the answer to the first question.

"But Dad, how did you get the answer?" asks he. "Where's the formula you used?" he continued.
"Formula? I did that part in my head." I replied. He was surprised because I hadn't once touched the calculator. You HAVE to use the calculator. He didn't understand how to switch the formula around so that it would give him the missing information. This went on for an hour. I'd ask didn't the teacher show you how to reverse these formulas and he'd reply nope.

One last time in total frustration, I asked my question - didn't she show you or give you any information regarding this assignment. He flips the paper over and says "Oh, you mean like these?" In front of me is a list of the formulas and their reverse counterpart!

I don't keep guns in the house... last night, that probably saved his life.

How Long?

2005-11-15T07:38:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in 4 days? Are you sure? What is wrong with my memory lately?
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I thought - today I'm going to grab one of those tasty breakfast burrito thingys out of the freezer and have something different. So, I got myself together, packed my lunch, put the burrito in the microwave (only takes a minute), made sure all "homework" was back in my briefcase then grabbed my jacket, keys and said goodbye to the birds. All this and 5 minutes early!

Hope my burrito enjoys the day sitting in the microwave.

WHY?

2005-11-10T21:27:00.000-05:00

...do you always get itches on an area of your body that either you can't reach with your hand or can't touch in public?

...does everything in life, EXCEPT you, tend to speed up as you get older?

...do traffic lights always turn yellow just as your vehicle enters the "Do I Stop Or Do I Go" zone?

...after working hard to finish a project and kicking back for a breather, does your boss choose that exact moment to peek in your cube and catch you "lounging"?

...is your workload light until a half hour before it's time to leave on a Friday?

...can't adults open child proof caps?

....do I have 7 remotes yet none of them turn on the TV?

And they wonder why...

2005-11-09T21:38:00.000-05:00

Am I they only one who is baffled by the US school system. Your child is told to use a calculator during math homwork and tests! WHAT!!! This is why American children are getting dumber and dumber in the world math arena. Ask them to do a math problem longform on paper and they look at you like you asked them to give up their PS2 for an hour.

Have you been to the stores lately? Notice after you give the cashier your money, she looks at the register which tells her how much change you should get back. I mean come on America, WAKE UP. The next generation won't be able to function if the power goes out or they run out of batteries.

Want to have some fun? Go to a drive thru, order, than drive up to the window and pay for your bounty. Make sure you hand the dude at the window that penny, so you don't get a bunch of pennies back. I swear I did just that last weekend and the cashier finally called the manager over to ask what to do with the extra penny.

I guess it's good we are going toward a debit card society. I hope my fast food friend figures out which side of the card to swipe by the time I visit next time.

Clipping

2005-11-08T23:54:00.000-05:00

Why do people clip their toenails over a waste basket? How many nails ever truly land in the basket? I'm guessing fewer than 5. The other fly off in various directions to be found at a later date.

I find them in the rug, usually when I'm in my barefeet... VERY painful. Have you ever been lazy enough to put off cutting the toenail only to find it two weeks later in your sock. When I was younger and could raise my leg higher than I can now, I used to attempt to bite off my toenails. It never worked as good as biting fingernails did. It looked funnier too.

Well, I've just finished clipping my nails - I'm almost positive one flew off into the jello on the counter. Time will tell.

Moron Clause

2005-11-04T08:02:00.000-05:00

I know you've seen one. It's just about on every item you pick up at the store. Cute little quotes to help people of lesser sense keep themselves safe and the company out of court. It struck me as I was warming my cup of soup in the microwave, what moron wouldn't know that "this soup and container will be hot after microwaving." Or how about "do not attempt to iron clothes while wearing them". Or one of my favorites "do not plug in toaster while taking a bath". WHO DOES THAT? Someone, with the IQ of a playboy pinup, at one time or another must have thought it would be a great idea to have a Pop Tart while bathing. Have some fun tonight... check items in your home. I'll bet you'll find some pretty funny yet disturbing messages. Be safe, read your labels and "don't have a lit cigarette while pumping gas". MORON!

New Month Same Bad Drivers #2

2005-11-02T12:54:00.000-05:00

Here we go again. I'm in heavy traffic but at least it's moving. Oh Oh I'm in trouble. I left more than a car length between me and the car in front. Sure enough some jerk pulls out from a side street right in front of me. Now that he is there, he refuses to pick up speed. (Don't you just hate that?) If I was miffed before, I'm about to really get mad. This guy, who placed many lives in jeopardy by pulling this stunt, now turns right at THE VERY NEXT STREET! WTF!? What was so damn important on that street that he needed to pop into traffic and be a nuisance? Oh excuse me, the auto world obviously revolves around HIM! @!$*!

The Day After

2005-11-01T13:13:00.000-05:00

Phew... managed to survive another Halloween. I just hate a bunch of strange kids ringing my bell and interrupting my "relaxing" time. This year I put my 15 year old outside to scare the little monsters. Obviously he can be had. He'd only jump out at them AFTER they had been to the door. What good is that?! He must have been paid in candy, after the fact.

I think Halloween is slowly going the way of the Delorean. Each year I buy about the same amount of candy. Each year I have more candy than the previous year, left over.

Not to worry... that's why we all take the candy to work the next day. We need to share the guilt of eating goodies with others.

Next year I have a fool proof plan to finally get the "rest" I desire on Halloween. If they manage to get by my barbed wire, I'll have some delicious moldy candy for them.

No Rant Just Respects To Poco

2005-10-27T21:29:00.000-04:00

I lost a dear old friend today. Poco, my buddy for 19 years passed away. Now before you say he was just a stupid Cockatiel get over it, let me tell you how hard that is to do. It doesn't matter what kind of pet you have, after 19 years, it IS part of the family. Poco had a personality, loved to sit & watch TV with me and he knew his name. Whenever I'd call his name he'd come running (ok waddle) over the carpet, climb up my leg and settle into his favorite perch - my shoulder. I'm gonna miss that the most.

So allow me to silently reflect on days spent with my buddy and mourn his loss.

Rest in Peace, Poco, and know that these tears mean I miss you already.

Vitamins

2005-10-26T13:18:00.000-04:00

Do vitamins really do anything? I realize it's a multi-billion dollar industry but is there any PROOF that these pills do anything but shrink your wallet. Skeptic? Me? Nope. My Grandmother swore by the things. She had a routine, that as a kid, I'd love to watch. She would pull down the shoe box filled with bottles and pull her "stash" for the day; B complex, Cod Liver, Zinc, etc. She lived to be 100 years old! That should say something. My question is, does anyone have a way to prove that any combination of pills really work. Do we have the placebo effect? I take a multivitamin because it will make me have more energy and "feel" more healthy. Do I truly get more energy or do I just trick myself into it because I take the vitamin.

Judging from my wife's comments about laying around all weekend watching sports on TV, maybe I set the "energy" bar a bit high. OR maybe I just don't feel like doing anything on the weekend. Yeah, that must be it. I need to store my energy for the work week. Imagine how much energy I must store up on a three day weekend.

The Dark Side

2005-10-25T12:52:00.000-04:00

What's with the current teen trend for the colors black and pink? My 15-year old son comes home and announces he'd like to paint his room! I was totally amazed that he would even be open to painting his swamp.

When I asked what color he wanted, the other shoe slapped me in the face. BLACK!!! Hold on, Bubba! No black - you already sit in the dark. His second choice? PINK!!! OMG what grows in the dark he calls a room? We settled on light gray and VERY dark gray.

When I was a larvae, painting my room NEVER once crossed my mind. Of course, my Dad walled my room with knotty pine planks. Do you think he knew something?

Outlet this!

2005-10-24T08:11:00.001-04:00

This weekend I was talked into going to the Outlet Mall for pre-Christmas shopping. Now I'm a typical male..pre Christmas to me is the night before.

Against my better judgement AND to keep peace in the house, I agreed to the trek. I call it a trek because it takes a little more than 2 hours to get there. That means no sleeping in. We simply MUST arrive when the stores open. (10am) There I was knee deep in humanity because Saturday is chartered bus day! The first hour was mildly pleasant but by 11am stores were getting "close". But like a good soldier, I carried on without complaint. By 4pm her feet hurt and my sanity was just about gone. So we called it quits. We had a nice relaxing diner then hit the road for the long drive home.

She says to me...well I wasn't all that impressed. I chimed in "yeah - who needs 7 stores full of housewares?" Our total money spent wasn't much more than $150. Heck, I spent almost as much in gas to get there! My question - why do people insist on traveling clear across state to save 10 cents on the dollar?

However - this question comes from a guy whose mother used to shop at two different grocery stores because ...well... one had Ketchup 10 cents cheaper.
AAAH... I miss my mother's logic... it was to laugh about.

Hold On Just A MINT

2005-10-20T13:00:00.000-04:00

Who proclaimed mint as the flavor of choice for us. Mint Oreos? ONE is enough of that little experiMINT. Now, I can usually avoid the mint revolution but lately it's cropping up everywhere.

The final straw came last week when my dentist suggested this new toothpaste to keep my gums "happy". MINT flavored paste. Couldn't the marketers come up with new flavors for toothpaste. Tequila would be cool. (I'd brush 10 times a day!) Strawberry-Banana shouldn't be limited to yogurt.

Anyway - I said I would try the MINT toothpaste as a favor to my dentist. He smiled as he handed me my "free" sample of floss....MINT flavored, of course!

Iraqi Democracy

2005-10-19T12:39:00.000-04:00

Well, as I see it, it didn't take the Iraqi people long to embrace true Democracy. They went to the polls to vote. As further proof... they already have voting irregularities to be looked into! Aaah - Democracy at its' best.

Proof U.S. IS GOING WACKO #1

2005-10-18T12:54:00.000-04:00

Did you hear about the big fight between two Wal-Mart employees? It got so heated that one girl ended up with a stab wound to her stomach. You may wonder what could they have been fighting about to cause this kind of response. Apparently the fight was over soup. You read right, SOUP! They couldn't agree as to which one of them would have access to the microwave first! When was the last time you stabbed someone to use the microwave?! Proof positive that the United States is headed WACKO!

Dead End

2005-10-17T13:00:00.000-04:00

Have you ever tried to download ringtones for your cell on a weekend? DON'T BOTHER! My son wanted a couple of music related rings for his new cell phone. So, being the responsible parent, I joined him in a Sunday afternoon romp through a plethora of good but mostly bad Casio renditions of current hits. We finally decided on two tones. Now I've done this before on my phone so don't think I'm a novice at this task. I follow along on the web page, dutifully put in his phone number (area code first) and order the two selected ringtones. He then sat patiently by his phone waiting for the message that his "new" tones were waiting for him. No such message arrived..for either one. Now I find my self calling the Customer Care line to get down to the bottom of our problem. (as we are instructed to do.) "You have reached our customer care line but we aren't open right now." "Please push 1 for automated help. Your call means a lot to us." OK - I drilled down through a dozen numbers, each one taking me further away from reality. Finally, download ringtone help push 7... "You have reached our customer care line but we aren't open right now." "Please push 1 for automated help. Your call means a lot to us."- DEAD END!

Oh, Just For Little 'Ol Me?

2005-10-12T13:04:00.000-04:00

So a local chain "box" store has decided to separate the cosmetics/personal health care sections by a store length from groceries. When the manager was told by a customer, "ME", that the walk was a bit "out of the way" when attempting to complete my weekly shopping chores; I was told that research showed that this layout was more convenient for the shopper. They did it all for the shopper.

Don't do me any favors! Do you think that ALL of your visitors are uneducated. Just tell me the truth. That your top three sales sections are Food, Cosmetics and Electronics. By spacing them far away from each other, the shopper spends more time in your store. AND the research you quoted told you that the longer a person stays in your box, the more money will be dropped in! Now that's the truth.

So - to defy this store, you can find me there this Saturday. I plan on pushing my cart around the store for a full 8 hours... then politely putting the cart back where I got it from, buying absolutely nothing. I wonder how THAT will affect their research?

Bad Drivers Go Home!

2005-10-12T12:47:00.000-04:00

I've decided that every state must have an option for bad drivers that are stopped. They can pay the fine OR they can move to my state. I'm guessing most choose option two!

This mornings annoyment involved darkness, morning drive traffic and a driver who insisted that the passing lane was OK for her rate of speed. (50mph) The problem was someone in the slow lane had already chosen that speed as his. So, 7 minutes of my 12 minute drive should have included music and baton twirlers because we were ALL in a freakin' parade. Between slow and slower no one could go above 50 in a 70 zone!

I was sooo stressed out by the time I arrived at work, I can't remember if I waved to the guard at the gate or flipped him off. I guess I'll find out tomorrow morning.

Get over it!

2005-10-06T01:43:00.000-04:00

Here's one that gets the ole Rooster crowing. A school is putting its old sports jerseys up for sale on Ebay. Why? Because the name of their team was the Indians. Wouldn't you know it offended someone. So now they are going by the name "Bengals". Hold On! Aren't Bengals an endangered species. You'd best be changing your name again. Bengals offends me. You are promoting the killing of Bengal tigers!! You'd better pick something safe in this country. Wouldn't want to offend anyone. How about the Goldenrods - NOPE, hayfever victims would be waving their little white hankies in your face. How about the Meatheads - NOPE, Archie Bunker fans would come out of the woodwork.

I've got it! Let's just play it safe from now on and name our teams after former Presidents! The Clintons, The Bushes, The Kennedys, The Nixons, etc. How much safer can you be. After all this is still America...isn't it. This just in, America evidently offends terrorists... well here we go again!

15 is half way to 30!

2005-10-04T20:41:00.000-04:00

So - there he sat all fifteenish across from the ever aging Mom & Dad. It used to be pizza at Chuck E. Cheese for his birthday. Now he demands a T-bone at Logan's Roadhouse. I suppose we should feel lucky he didn't go for the Porterhouse. That would have cost even more!

Why do we put such effort into birthdays anyway? They aren't THAT special. Everyone has one. Funny, in your first 21 years, it's some giant event that everyone needs to be a part of. Then you turn 30 and birthdays fall out of favor. (Especially if you are of the female persuasion.) The suddenly you hit 70 and everyone starts making a big deal over your birthday again. Like "Hey, you old coot, you made it another year!" Or "85! Wow! are you gonna try for 100?" Oh, yeah... like I have some say as to whether that happens! Young smart ass punks! Who do these 50-year olds think they are, anyway!

Testing 1-2-3

2005-10-04T02:11:00.000-04:00

So, here I am entering the blog world and wondering what fowl, misguided stuff will suddenly pop up on this page.

In honor of my first night, I'll just chill and wait for the first item to present itself tomorrow. It will be my son's 15th birthday. Surely he'll do something to set me off.

Stay tuned!